Fauxhawk was curled into fetal position, covered by new sheets and several casually tossed throw pillows that coordinated with the casually tossed napkin-turned-bedside-tablecloth. We had spent the day casually tossing things about his newly painted teal bedroom in an effort to transform the overall effect from squalid crackhouse to Fatin-Latour. After the casual tossing came a long and protracted negotiation over what to hang on the wall and where. All in all, I felt that things had gone well.
That is to say, things had gone my way.
But the moaning grew louder and then stopped.
“Liz,” I said into the phone. “I may have to call you back. I think Fauxhawk just expired.”
“Put him on.”
I strained to listen to the muffled sounds coming from under the covers.
“Machiavellian manipulation techniques…not allowed to hang pictures in my own apartment…emasculation…” he muttered.
I grabbed the phone. “Liz, he tried to hang a picture in the wrong place while I was in the other room! What am I supposed to do?”
"All I think about is cutting myself to ease the pain..." he continued.
Liz proceeded to explain to Fauxhawk that this was just the beginning, and that before long, I’d be barking orders in my latka-making outfit and greasy hair hat.
“SHE IS COLOR CODING MY BOOKSHELF!” he wailed. “My bookshelf is now gay. And not in the homosexual sense.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said sniffily, “It’s beautiful.”
“IT'S FUCKING RAINBOW BRITE!”
“What do you mean? It’s edgy! The colors are inverted. It’s…Satan’s rainbow.”
“There is no way…if you think I’m going to…” And then he began to laugh.
“What’s so funny?" The laughing grew louder. I began to worry. "It's just the top shelf,” I reassured him.
“Why don’t we start arranging our dinner guests by color?”
More hysterical, maniacal laughter. Fauxhawk was clearly becoming unhinged. The picture hanging negotiations, combined with the decorative arrangement of his books had sent him over the edge.
“FINE. Do what you want.”
“I will. And as soon as you leave on Monday morning to go to work, this bookcase is going back to normal.”
That’s what he thought.
Top photo by Chotda
Bottom photo by Fauxhawk himself.